Claim our ability to improve our life

Claim our ability to improve our life

I am driven to write, to document my progress in the state of consciousness. I hope it brings value to others on the same path. It is almost like having a child and then wondering how things will be with this new life and light in your life. There is no turning back.

Finding the balance in my writing by using examples may prove helpful. I consider that it may also prove to be critical. This is a judgment call, without judgment of any people who may see themselves in my examples. I see myself in both sides of all the examples; I have been exactly where I see others are now standing, in that line of humanity that connects each of us. We are here to help each other.

I know I am in a new stage of living consciously; the recent recognition of awareness means I have gained something new and reached that point of no turning back. The birth of a new life, I can’t hand it back to anyone. It won’t go away, it only grows stronger within me.

This is new to me. I now know I have always used the conscious state of being, I was just not fully aware of it, or I had no recognition of the true value this gave me. For most of my life, but not all of my life, I have lived very intuitively, I just trusted something but I could never explain what that was. I always had space in my thinking and I always liked the silence in my mind. As I read and discover what others are discovering right now I see I have been conscious most of the time. I was born with it, just like every other person. I have always known we each have this.

I did not know the terms, they are but words anyway, I just liked where I was. I have “mostly” felt happy within myself. Since childhood all I ever wanted was to be happy and develop that within me that was available to me. I did not know why but self-development has always been the subject of my choice in reading matter.

Not much else really interested me. However I have never felt “spiritual” and generally dislike that word and other words which imply being spiritual. I don’t meditation or do yoga. I have always just allowed myself to be.

Growing up I thought everyone felt the same and did the same. I never felt I had anything special, if I did this then I assumed everyone else did the same.

Why should I make anything harder than it is? I found it difficult having too many thoughts rushing through my head, we often avoid what is difficult, and so I did.

Some people seemed a tad angst to me so I decided I’d stay within my peaceful place. I perceived my childhood as perfect, I was loved, and I had no pressure put on me to do anything. I was largely left to discover the world in my own time and space, albeit I was over protected at the same time. I have three brothers, I was the third child, they each appear to have grown up with a different perceptive and take on our parents. I find that interesting but take it no further. It is what it is.

I my 60 years I have had some years of being completely unhappy, thus, I guess, I left the conscious state in those times but also I know I held on to something within me by a thread. I have had anxiety attacks and became fixated on thoughts once or twice, I am laughing now, in stretches lasting from 1 to 2 years at a time.

As these things happened to me I understood within me that everything was necessary. I have gained the understanding of what being anxious means and what depression means. I have walked in those shoes. Those cement shoes that are so heavy to lift and drag.

The current shift in human awareness for me is wonderful as I feel this immediate bond with humanity. I recognise it. Before this time I was comfortable with bits here and bits there but nothing that pulled it altogether for me like the present time is doing. I am not doing this; some sort of universal energy seems to be doing this. That’s all I know. I feel a great relief.

Many people are still at the stage door for sessions in shouting scenes or defensive or highly critical scenes. They are stuck – doing rehearsals permanently and repeatedly. People are stuck and this presents obstacles to the expansion of awareness.

It is the critical scenes I ponder, that is where I am on “replay”. I can back away from the shouting and defensive role play scenes, that seems easy enough to do, just take a gentle step back, as I head for the closest exit.

The critical people present my biggest challenge. I think this is due to me still sliding back into conditioned habits, addictions. Or triggers, hooks that link into past experiences. I think I can change their outlook so…..I give that a go. I have failed recent tests, Bob I am sorry I became critical with you. I did notice your eyes rolling back as you walked away. I can only laugh now but at the time it took me a few days to recover as my own conditioned chitter-chatter returned at top speed. Finally I could let that go.

I only have to start feeling very slightly anxious or frustrated and I turn to food. I crave extra food that I would not normally crave and I notice how highly linked this pattern is to internal turmoil. I can stop and correct the anxiety and the eating. I can do this quickly enough due to my increase in awareness of what is happening. Two days of over eating is better than 2 years. I laugh now as I notice. I find it very amusing. I am taking less and less time to let it go. I shrug knowing it will be soon enough that I will be sent another lesson.

Generally as I find my awareness increasing I am lacking the interest in judging people. This is great news for me, as it appears the whole conditioned behaviour of judging is just falling away from me. If only some more kilos would do the same! Well they do actually and then they come back in exactly the same way as I stop being judgmental and critical and then it starts up again.

The ability within me that allows and creates such change and lessons in itself brings enormous content within me, at a peaceful level.

I was a smoker for thirty years and tried various times to stop. When I finally did conquer that habit it was an enormous relief and this non-judgmental state appears to be much the same, I’m so grateful not to be doing this anymore. It works with my weight as well. I feel lighter when I have fewer kilos to carry around, which is logical, so I am grateful to has lost that weight, literally.

Just like stopping the smoking it took a few attempts before it became my reality. Therefore I am kind to myself in understanding that to change such an embedded habit as being judgmental and critical will also take a little while, I will slip back into thinking something like ‘ I just need one more cigarette’. When I am critical I might think ‘I can’t help it that person drove me to that point’ which is really ‘ I just need one more cigarette’. The cigarette has not driven me to smoke it; I have chosen to do that, as an addiction. One more lesson.

It takes more energy to judge than I choose to spend on such a wasteful activity. It is wasteful because there is nothing I can do about where anyone else is and so the judging is a form of worry. I gave up worrying as a teenager, I thought, when I observed my Mother bringing ill health to herself through the exercise of worrying. I remember then thinking ‘this is something I am never going to do’.

However I had never seen the judgment activity as worrying until now.

Now I have made that connection in my thinking it has been easier to give it up. I laugh now to think I did do that worrying and yet I thought I was so far above that; as a teenager. How naïve and laughable is that.

I feel inspired. I have so much more time and energy I can devote to all the many interests I have, one being to be of service to people in some way, perhaps by documenting the stage I am at, the obstacles I find, the acceptance of being a dot on the line of humanity. It may help someone, somewhere. I expect to be at this stage for quiet some time. I feel compelled to document this; something deep inside me knows my path. I trust that completely.

In my 60th year I sense I am piecing together everything I have learnt so far. I cannot say do this or that, read this or that and you will become conscious. It would be wrong to do so. I have had thousands of ‘Aha’ moments from thousands of sources and still getting those moments. It is exactly the same as not being able to make anyone happy. I can’t make you happy…you can. This is being empowered. I claimed my own ability to improve my life.

Copyright © Mary Willetts 2016

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Unconditional Love

Unconditional Love

What is unconditional love in the 21st century? I think it might be seen differently to that of times gone by. My belief is that each of us must look within and re-learn to see everything from the view of being unconditionally loveable.

The trees, the sunrise, the many variations of nature all point towards this enormous variation of each and every unique thing on the planet, including the people that each of us are.

I think that what drives the desire to see all as unconditional, as in it is what it is, comes from that inner self or inner presence that each of us can tap into when we do an internal Google searching for meaning in our lives.

We are the source of being able to see things unconditional. I think unconditional love just flows from this, someone coined the phrase and we want to treat it different to other things, which we know are unconditional. Things like the weather, it’s raining or it’s not. Facts are facts and I try distinguishing a real fact from some made up concept.

The reality is that I cannot change anything but myself. So loving someone conditional is totally irrational to me. How can I make anyone behave as I want or wish them to and is this ever fair?

What puts me in the Queen’s shoes if am to say that this or that is better behaviour than this or that. All behaviour is how any society has been conformed or conditioned to behave. Across our world are enormous variations on “how to behave”. We never get the chance to be left alone to become who we are. Often someone is hounding us to do this, do that, learn this, learn that, play sport, get thin, get healthy, get rich, stop whining, or stop singing – it’s all a complete sham of conditioning from the day we are born.

Not to be negative, as I have no need to, I look around and I see that Yes I like some people more than others. I form a natural bond with some easier than others, some like me and some don’t like me and this is all good from the view that it is what it is. Nothing is good and nothing is bad. It is the way it is. Like the sun rises and we accept that. We each are who we are and we can only accept that. We cannot change that.

Understanding that I cannot make anyone happy….they have to source that from within themselves, it seems natural to me to love all people unconditionally. Why or how would I love them any other way?

By nature I am an ultra sensitive person, that is who I am, there is not a lot I can do about my natural reactions, they happen. With my new found awareness I know I can stop that part of me as it climbs to irrational thinking via being ultra sensitive. I feel the anger of others, I see it and I know it and I take it on board as my own or my fault or my lacking in some way. I see the judgments others make of me whether they voice it or not, I sense it; I feel it and I know it and it hurts. My thoughts are ‘who are they to judge me? why do they do this?’ In asking these last two questions I am now judging them, I have joined in not because it is natural but more because I have been conditioned to do this. I have been conditioned to react and respond without awareness. Some have been conditioned to repress their thoughts and feelings, they have dug a hole and buried their emotions. What I was never taught to do was to look at ‘my thoughts’ with the understanding that they belonged to me. Many years ago I gave up blaming people, all people, for the things that happen to me. I understood that I was responsible for my how I felt – at level 1.

I say at level 1 because what I did not understand was that there was a level 2. At level 2 I must now include in that the comprehension that when someone says something like “I feel you are looking over my shoulder” that is their thought and nothing to do with me. Vice Versa applies if I am thinking that someone is always looking over my shoulder, it does not mean that they are actually doing that, it is only my thinking that frames that thought. Is it really true is another question I have to look at and if it is – do I make that important. Do I fear it? This is where we can come undone.

When I was in Primary School I was extremely ultra sensitive and one day some girls were not too kind to me. I ran home crying and my Mother said “Oh those nasty little girls”. This was the message; it was all their fault for being nasty, I was never asked to look at and understand why I let them upset me so much. I know my Mother was not the only person viewing other people this way; she was conditioned to do so by her own background. For many years I blamed my Mother for everything, as seems common to do, with Mothers. Being I am a Mother myself I now get to stand in her shoes! Karma.

With my awareness of who I am I can now say STOP, to my thoughts, at a point where I see the bridge to the road of irrational and turn down another path.

Sometimes I still cross the bridge and when I realise I have crossed that bridge I will start to laugh as I know I am consistently failing. However with each failure there is an opportunity to repeat the lesson and pass. So I give myself that opportunity to wait for the next lesson and see how I go.

As I look around I see that each one of us are at different spots on the same line of humanity. We all move forwards and backwards with regular patterns, each unique like a leaf.

In the 21st century with all the information online and books available about “unconditional love” to read, absorb, observe are we any better off? Are we learning anything? Are we feeling that we are loved unconditionally? Each of us answers our own questions.

Perhaps more importantly is how we answer those questions to ourselves. We all react, we all judge, we all compare, we have so many common and uncommon elements how can we be conditional is more my question.

To me, it is natural to be unconditional. To be in a state of love, I suspect, is how we are born. I think we get trained by others to be conditional and albeit we all need some rules or it would be chaos, the one rule we do not need is to judge ourselves. It all starts within us.

Keeping myself in that natural unconditional state seems a bit of a juggling act to me. I am influenced by the code of conduct or rules of my nation, my city, my town, my neighbourhood, my friends and my family. I hear people being judged, including judgments of me and before I know it I am doing the same, I’ve joined the club that I didn’t want to belong to. I am now acting in the same way, as I dislike seeing others act.

As I say STOP in my own head, I wait for the day when I say it out loud to someone and then that sets the wheels in motion again and I look at the road across that bridge and I start to meander towards it, weary, discouraged and irrational. Eventually I turn around, face the 21st century, see myself as loveable and capable of passing that test, when it presents again, as it will.

 

Copyright © Mary Willetts 2016

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Opportunities and Inner Guidance

In my life I have turned to others for guidance through books, the printed word, for only by doing so have I been able to access the wisdom of people here before me. The great teachers of the ages and many others over their lifetimes, with their searches and experiences have asked the same questions that I do and found the answers.

Reading books that inspire, teach and show me what courage is, what truth really means, what struggles I have in common with others and how I can find what I am meant to do with my life, gives me hope.

A great quote will lift my spirits and mind towards some sort of meaningful existence. It shields me against the otherwise mundane routine I find myself living.

The activity of getting to know myself through others and their printed words has always been a settling thing to me. It can be my magic carpet ride out of my day to day structure and away to future plans where I can reach a goal that has some purpose, some meaning, some sense to it.

I trust in that within me, which I know to be the way I need to live my life. Some people think I’m strange, I accept I’m not the average person. I know I have choices on the way I live my life and I know I make choices. Something’s can be changed and something’s cannot be changed. Either way I make a choice. I know when I make a choice it’s not about gaining power it’s about gaining or retaining balance. Balance for me, that within me, the inner me, that peace, is completely necessary to me, as necessary as the air I breathe.

I have creative power yet I sometimes cannot speak to fully articulate my meaning. By nature I ponder. In writing I can ponder, it’s acceptable.

Finding reasons for anything makes no difference. The ‘why’ is not important. It is what it is and I only need to know that and nothing else. It saves my energy for the really important stuff.

All circumstances contain for me a lesson; I learn from everything – it’s just sometimes hard to figure which lesson. At times I feel like I am a private investigator, my client is me. “Investigating me”.

It is this sense of knowing that I have allowed all my life to guide me in the directions I have taken. I have often been told I am a very open person, recently a very old friend announced “There is nothing wrong with you Mary, you are just passionate.” Sadly this did not feel like a complement, I was not asking what was wrong with me.

I’m not shut down, I know that and sometimes I say exactly what I think, exactly how I see it or exactly how it is, good or bad, the facts are…

I was always aware of this sense of knowing that I had, but not completely aware of the power it held. It was just an innate trust that I trusted, I had always trusted and by sheer instinct I followed. Perhaps I was lazy, it was there why not.

Recently this awareness has grown and I am adjusting to the fact that it will not go away.

Almost four years ago I made a decision to return to University. The reasons I had are my reasons and I have no reason to justify my reasons. However to illustrate something I list my reasons or reasoning for making this choice:

1. My Darling daughter, then at age 29, told me that it was my fault she did not have a degree, so I thought hum ‘I’ll show you missy’. I did not take her comment personally, she is a cleaver girl and as such she does whatever she wants to do. As do most of us. That she never found it riveting to study more than she needed to, never surprised me. She learnt easily and in other ways. However I felt that at double her age I could show her by example that you can do anything, at any age, and the thing is…you only have to want to do it.

2. I’ve always wanted a Degree. Goodness only knows why, it’s not that big a deal.

3. I thought that maybe it would be a good way to spark up my brain. In my life, like a lot of other people, I’ve noticed, I have not always made the best decisions, even with the use of my sense of the inner me and knowing system.

4. Oh, I was completely over the whole nine-to-five work thing.

5. I wanted to go to University and be a full-time student, more than anything else, at that time.

The go to University decision came from the question “What do I want to do?” And the answer to that one question is number 5, as above. Shouldn’t it have been 1 and only 1?

The rest were just justifications, weight and extra reasons of no real value. They may have been pointers, however I feel I have been conditioned to supply further reasons; I had to have more value than simply this is what I want to do.

I know that I listened to that ‘inner me’ when I went with number 5, the only real answer to my question.

Like my daughter, I see that I do whatever I want to do as well.

“Ouch” when you start to own that trait. It sounds so darn selfish. But is it?

It is not selfish to want to achieve something. It is not selfish to do what we want to do – providing we are not harming ourselves or others. It is not selfish to take care of yourself, it is not selfish to recognise our own needs. I think there are still huge misunderstandings around what constitutes being selfish.

To achieve what I wanted a large portion of my selfishness was sacrificed. All that darn study took a lot of time. No social life, no reading books of my choice, no doing what I wanted to do at all really. It was always which assignment first, what next.

Anything worth having requires sacrifice, every parent can just think about having children. No further discussions required on that one.

The fact that I wanted to do something needed no add-on, no reason or justification. There were practical reasons that sat below those listed. Reasons like was it safe and legal. Those are more valid reasons for making the decision – I never thought of those until this very minute. It’s a given to me that I am not going to do something that I know to be a risk to my safety or harm to others, albeit I am a risk taker. I have no desire to break the law; jail has never been on my “to do” list.

Then the money question could I afford to pull off not working for a few years. Money means little to me and if I have it I have no problem spending it. So that one was sorted quickly.

Also the timing was a factor, it was perfect for me to get this degree, at this time. I knew this was my opportunity to get this degree off my “to do” list. I think it is often difficult to see our opportunities as they present. I like lists; the thing is, I feel compelled to fill them up. I like having something in all the boxes.

I had my answer and it was interlocked into my ‘knowing’ and this ‘inner me’, which is that unconditional surrender to what you really know you want and need to do, without any violation of the rights of others. I never want to cause any damage to humanity. Opportunities are sensed, I think.

I have read much about consciousness. I see consciousness as a quality within each of us that allows the inner me and our awareness of that inner me to flourish.

I have found nothing new, many people have discovered the same as I am discovering. I trusted this sense of knowing as the best answer to my question at that time. When I applied to University I was accepted. When things align easily I figure they are pointing the direction that is best for me.

In the past it was always where to find the time, the money and the energy, obstacles. I could no longer run for cover on this one opportunity.

I have my degree now and my inner me guided me not only to the decision but along the way this sense of knowing held me to this goal. Getting the degree at times gave me grief, staying with it took some will power yet at no time did I ever think I would give up or not get it. Somehow I always found the best solution to get me over another hurdle. Now with inner confidence I can say I was given an opportunity, I sensed it was one to take and I took it.

Copyright © Mary Willetts 2016

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What do I want?

That burning question.

I don’t want power – I want ability. The ability to change the world, just a little, while I’m here.

Copyright © Mary Willetts 2015

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Ants

Ants

As I stand in the garden a Bull Ant bites me on my foot, ‘ouch’. I ponder about their nest, which the gardener has disturbed. The ant’s race around looking for a new place to settle, a fresh start or at least an end to the war, which appears to have bombed their home. I wonder what they are thinking, or if they think.

As I watch the massive amount of Ant activity going on I am thinking that some will be confused, some will be focused and some will be waiting to see what has happened before becoming confused and focused. Some will get stuck, buried alive or trampled by the disturber.

Thinking that through I see there is not much difference in our communities of human activities. We all keep busy until a war breaks out either in the home or outside of it. We all race around trying to settle or to find a fresh start, when forced to. Some of us dig-in, so to speak, refuse to accept any disturbance is happening and some get stuck in the trenches.

Getting stuck in the trenches is of particular personal interest to me. As I watch one large Ant go round and round I wonder if what he is searching for can be found. I wonder if what he works for is satisfying and I wonder if he knows he’s exposed and vulnerable. I can see he is searching, I can see he works hard and I can see he is vulnerable.

Ants work together to support their communities – we humans have a lot to learn from that. Ant societies parallels with human societies in many ways and the way they work together I find inspiring. I continue to watch this flurry of activity, as my foot throbs from the bite, they seem amazing to me. I feel like I am looking down on another life and wonder if some higher being than myself is also looking down on my life, thinking in the same tone, that I am the Ant to them.

I am still working out what I am searching for. All the things we are told are important in our life, like family, have been slowly stripped out of my life. My parents have died. I’m divorced; I live a far distance from my two adult children. They are as independent as I am so we rarely see each other. The ritual of seeing each other is less important to me than talking to them and I do that. My siblings were also stripped out of my life when our parents died and money became the focus, not support for each other. I ponder that at least Ants don’t have to contend with money. In our human world it brings on a whole gambit of problems; and delights. If the Ants have no money problems I wonder what is their reward. Is the reward of living a life enough?

I wonder what do Ants do to bring meaning to their lives? It looks to me to be only hard work to their struggle for existence. I wonder if they love what they do and I wonder have they found what brings meaning and just how closely they see themselves as vulnerable in the trenches of their lives.

Ants thrive almost anywhere and most science facts I read puts that down to the social qualities and their ability to change – they are resilient and resourceful.

I have three words that I attached to myself years ago, mainly due to applying for jobs I was asked to consider my qualities so I decided, my choice, I was enthusiastic (because almost everyone told me that I was), resourceful because I was able to cope and learn; resilient because I was still here!

As I ponder where the Rid cream is to put on my still throbbing foot I also wonder where am I stuck and how vulnerable am I?

Copyright © Mary Willetts 2015

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Sharing

The single most important thing to me is sharing. That has taken me considerable time to work out !

When I get something I really get it, up to that point I need a base to understand things and with that base I build brick by brick until I get it. That’s just how it is for me and I like that about me because I know that once I know, I know.

I find not sharing odd, really I do. I know people who cannot even share a simple “Good Morning” a gesture that acknowledges the simple existence of another person. I have worked in an office where for four days I never uttered a single word.

I live alone so it occurred to me that I actually never uttered a word in four whole days. That was a record for me. I would not have believed that I could leave my home and go to work and not utter a word. This went on in drips and drabs a few days here and there until I was asked a work question one day at the office and I had to stop and think how to string a sentence together.

My time in this workplace had to be limited. I would become fixed like this, if I stayed, this I knew. Sadly, I stayed just a bit too long and saw myself changing, I resigned the same day. That in itself was a risk, I had no other job.

My awareness has increased over the last few years so when I say “I saw myself changing” – I mean that cringe moment when you start to behave like people you don’t want to imitate and somehow you are standing outside yourself and looking down at yourself and that other self is saying ‘Oh No’.

I know the work I do can be solitary work. I like to be given my work and left alone to do it. I don’t like zero communication, guessing and looking at people next to me who wear earphones as they sit and do their solitary work. My dislike of earphones has increased a hundred times. I have noticed as office morale deteriorates, the earphone usage increases. I still hold in my mind the picture of one girl’s look of frustration as I try to get her attention to ask a question. She pulled the plug out of one ear and gave me “the look”, she would not say a word. Shocked, I forgot the question. Is she at work or not? That becomes my new question…oh but that one I cannot ask.

For me communication is a given. In my family, we fought over who was going to talk next, we were loud and bold. We laughed and cried. The whole idea that we don’t need to communicate anything just completely flaws me. There is so much I cannot know and if nobody is willing to tell me – how does that work! Work itself must suffer, the quality compromised, what for? The sake of saving a few words.

If we never communicated to each other we would all still be sitting around in the open building fires and looking for food, in all the wrong places. Sure we can follow what others have done and that is fine, no problems there. Oh, what if the others found those poison berries and we eat them as well and then we saw the others, not well, oh dear, we have followed the wrong person!!! Damn! We all make mistakes and blindly following others can be a big mistake.

Being given the ability to think allows us the use of thinking, at least every now and then. Like walking, we need to do it to keep the ability. If we “think” we can get jobs anywhere anytime because we trust in our own abilities to work things out – enough to know we are not going to be eating those poison berries.

I’m learning to think with awareness. Now I have this new found awareness I can’t make it go away, sometimes I wish I could. I was happy in my Rose Coloured glasses.

Sharing is not just about dividing up your lunch, if necessary that is good, to me sharing encompasses all things. Sharing information, knowledge, skills, a laugh, a story, a “Good Morning” and “Enjoy your evening” anything that reaches out to someone and brings him or her into your life. Because…I think we need that connection to each other. Well, I do.

Copyright © Mary Willetts 2015

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An Ordinary Life

In July 2012 I returned to University to prove to myself that I had the commitment it takes to stay with a plan, among other things.

It was meant to take just 18 months. I ran over time, so like me.

The plan was to study full time. It was a gift to myself to take 2 years off work. Head down, do the study, get a piece of paper and watch for the other results this might bring to my life.

Was I trying to show the world that I was clever? There were many drivers behind the plan. I always knew I was clever, now I understand I am clever in my unique way. Each of us have our unique ways to manoeuvre a path through our lives of learning and gaining knowledge.

You cannot frame clever, it is not a piece of paper. It is not a high IQ, it is not what someone else thinks of you. Clever is what you think of you.

Clever is looking at your fears and looking at who you are. There is nothing to add or subtract. It is what it is.

So I ran over time, it took me twice as long, and a bit. I have all the reasons succinctly written down, I’ve learnt how to do that. Does it matter?

I am a thinker and I ponder on things and I potter around, I am easily distracted, staying with anything can be, at times, extremely challenging for me and that does not matter. I am who I am and each of us have similarities and differences. What matters, to me, is generosity of the heart, kindness of the word and joy which abounds from within.

I got to the point where I knew and understood (having both those things inline can be problematic for me as well) that getting this degree was not going to change my life. I was aware that I was already creating my life, all my life I have been creating my life. That is what we do. Regardless of that I did choose to stay with my plan.

The degree was just a tick box. Yes I have this, tick. Now which is the next box I can tick? I sometimes feel like I am becoming a computer, a program is running my life. According to how many boxes I can tick and how quickly………..I win……..what? This is so not how I want to live my life. I need meaning and purpose and no degree can provide that to me. This meaning and purpose is something I already have in me, somewhere within, it is there, has always been there and will always be there. It requires no maintenance, no upkeep, no cost, no degree, no education at all in fact. I can tap into it whenever I want to, it does not close down, not even for Christmas. I don’t need a plan to achieve it, I don’t have to pay a monthly fee. It is the I am of me.

However, the knowledge the education provides, at a practical level, is great. Also I have learnt how to use my brain differently. To make better decisions, did I need to? That was part of the original plan and time will tell that result.

I have worked in between the study and got sent some harsh life lessons doing that. I enjoy the ordinary life I have. In doing all these things I have learnt much and gained valuable knowledge about me and about people in general. The human connection we share, as people, the commonality.

Therefore, as they say in the world of Maths, I have spent 3 years doing exactly as I wanted to do and loved every minute of it, i.e. my ordinary life will continue and I will make sure I love every minute of that as well. I think I have the i.e. and the therefore back to front, in the world of Math’s that is a big mistake. In my life there are no real mistakes, no failures because I am doing the very best I know how to do and that’s how it is for each and everyone of us.

Copyright © Mary Willetts 2015

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Everything has a purpose

Every workplace has taught me something,

Every relationship has forced me to grow,

Every friend has given me something, whether they know that or not,

Every child is unique and special,

Every day I remind myself how much I don’t know and that right now, I am here.

Tomorrow I shall be somewhere else.

Copyright © Mary Willetts 2014

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This Girl

This Girl

This girl is bouncing around in her skin. When the spring energy was all around I felt as if I would start sprouting new leaves any day. As long as I don’t sprout any facial hair or calories I am bound to keep the skip in my step.

What is it that makes me feel so happy? I have to say that I am inclined to feeling happy, but I know unhappiness to.

I’m on my own. I have no family nearby. My children are interstate and overseas. If I was so inclined I could feel sorry for myself.

I was sick for three long days this spring. I felt weak and fragile all over, including emotionally. I was alone, and nobody knows me in this new city I have moved to. Oh, that is not entirely true, I have some friends here, and they would have come to help me had I asked, but they live a distance away and I did not want to bother them. I expected to live.

Being sick I wanted that Jeanie in a bottle to go to the shops and buy me lemonade and talk to the chemist whom I was sure would be able to suggest something that could stop the pain. Heavy drugs usually work for me. Taking the pain away has always seemed the logical solution to me. I wanted that Jeanie model I could yell at and order around to ‘just do it!’ Even though that’s the Nike saying for running, I love it as a good all-rounder.  I doubt I have ever used it, but I have thought it when I have politely asked someone to do something, and when they complain, in my heart, I am yelling at them, ‘just do it!’

No matter how much I meditated or begged, no Jeanie appeared, not even a bottle appeared. By day three, I went to the shops. Of course, the walk in the sun was good for me. The shops are all nicely grouped nearby and have all I need. The chemist gave me something and the lemonade was excellent.

The next day I woke up feeling almost back to my normal self and could not wait to get out for a few hours in the beautiful spring weather where the trees were showing off their new growth. I wanted to hop and jump down the sidewalk like a rabbit, but I am way too old to do so.

So I ponder in my minds wardrobe the same thought that has been hanging there for years what is it that makes someone feel happy? I have wondered this for all the years I can remember, and that’s a significant amount now.

A long time ago I discovered for myself that I cannot make anyone happy.

I cannot make you happy … only you can. I cannot change anyone. I cannot even teach anyone anything.

I continue to adjust my own thinking as there is no end to this continual shifting of the sand beneath my feet. As mentioned there are times when I could feel rather sorry for myself and then I ask ‘why would I do that?’

The self-discovery that I cannot delegate to another person the responsibility to ‘be happy‘ makes me sad.

I cannot force that on someone, nor can I give it as a gift to anyone. I would give an arm, leg, lung, or whatever it took to make a few specific people “happy”.  Just happy. It does not seem such a big ask, does it? I don’t think so. I would even ask the just do it Jeanie in the bottle politely if that would do it. I would do anything. Anything.

I have found, no Jeanie has ever appeared. No amount of prayer made any difference. No amount of giving made any difference. No amount of anything I could do has changed the shape of someone’s mind. Each of us design and select the map of our mind.

I believe that it is our own exaggeration that sets our minds on a course, for better or worse. I am all I have. I am starting to figure, that’s okay, in reality (wherever the hell that place is), and it has always been that way. I am, therefore, I am.

So although we are all “I am” in a sense we each belong only to ourselves. Yet we cannot live in separateness. I think, we are so connected to each other that without love and support something in us will die. We depend on each other for skills we do not have. I cannot bake bread.

I would like to help a few others. I attempt to reach out to others, and some chose to slap me down, try to put me in my place – as if they can actually do that ! Whatever people do is done to protect their own fragile selves.

I know this from first hand experience when I get scared, I run.

What I want to do is help both myself and others. As this girl and the woman are learning, I can make an immense difference by saying or doing just the right thing at just the right time. Of course, understanding what the right thing is and when the time is right being the hard part. Applying that to the right individual is often far too complicated a mission to get just right.

I have read and heard that the perfect universal response is not to judge the anger and fear just say, “Thank you for telling me that.” This may be correct, but wait, there’s more…

I once worked with a girl who had obviously done some sort of course in communication skills as her response to everything, and I mean everything, was always, “I hear what you are saying.”This prattle she would use became maddening. It was clearly a learned response that held no meaning to her or anyone she said it to. It was as if she was turning on a light switch or doing some mundane, everyday task as she patiently said these words. It was the saddest form of communication I had ever witnessed.

Now I am aware I am being judgmental here.! I am even understanding that what we might regard as praise “oh that’s good” is also a judgment.

So I don’t want to do that, yet we do all do that.

However, comparison is the theatre of learning.

I am telling a tale to emphasise a point, I hope.

Finding a way to convey the message that I am grateful to someone who has shared with me their thoughts and feelings can be difficult. Especially if, their thoughts and feelings are producing irritation or fear in me as an automatic reaction.

To listen without judgment, takes practice. Once a phrase becomes a catchphrase it is worthless. Everyone has read the same book and knows what you are doing. Plus, it is not from your heart, it is not from you, it is from the book and everyone can tell.

Sure I confess that I have, at times, used a book phrase to get me out of trouble. I have said the words, “Thank you for telling me that the…” and they have worked. But I know that unless I start to feel that phrase, it will stop being effective. Once I start to feel what lies within that phrase, I will find my own way of conveying the same message.

I think, it is a sense of compassion or empathy that you must be able to feel. A way to  show ‘I am not judging you so thank you so much for telling me how you feel, I value that and I hear that’. I try to feel the pain within the person as they feel it, not as I might consider.

Recently I was judged by someone, yeah really. Oh quite a few actually, it seemed most unfair to me. At least four people, that I noticed, made extremely fast judgments based on one or two things I said or did. It can be terribly difficult  to know I am being judged and not show anger. Each person took a different path on judging me, variety hey, each person went on the attack. Took me a few days each time to shake off the anger shock, like an electric current it was to me. I did not want their anger to descend on me, but it can be a task to get rid of the anger that people toss so freely about.

So there you have it, this girl feels happy, again, and I’m sharing that with you. I have no anger or fear, at this moment anyway; and for that I am grateful.

I know the inner joy I feel so often already provides me with everything I need. Being sick for a few days, it’s nothing. I know that if I could somehow bottle this inner joy I feel I would be the Jeanie in the bottle. I’d be rich beyond my grasp and very busy indeed. We all want this. I would give it freely if only I could.

Maybe being grateful and simply accepting the things that happen as being part of life is all anyone needs to do.

I don’t think that I did anything to make this joy inside me happen. I can’t take the credit.

I find so many things are beyond my control. I think it is everyone’s birthright to feel a sense of joy each day, but this is not what I am seeing or hearing.

We are so capable many true ‘human spirit’ stories come forth to remind us that we can overcome so much. I bought and watched a movie called “The Edge” this spring.  I don’t usually buy movies but, I now own hearing aids and living alone gives me no chance to practice wearing them, so I bought a movie. I am going off the track here to diversify and return. In the movie, Anthony Hopkins says, “What one man can do, so can another.”  I think that is a direct quote. It was an enjoyable movie, after a slow start. I did watch it twice as my hearing aids were being adjusted, so my footsteps no longer deafen me. I needed to use the movie as a test as there were bits I did not hear, despite hearing my own heartbeat.

Hey I found it is a noisy world out there. A trip to the local store aged me ten more years when a motorbike went by. I almost left my skin from the sound of it. It has taken me awhile to give in to the hearing aid need. Attending Uni has forced the issue. I am paying a small fortune for this study and want to know I am ‘hearing’ it all. When I asked the University  if I could record the lectures as I had a hearing problem, off they went with tests which resulted in me buying hearing aids. I am not deaf but have significant loss because of the noisy workshop days. Working in the motor repair business for 10 years without any ear protection has damaged my hearing.  Plus, my younger brother was even more spoilt than I was, and our parents allowed him to play his music of the 80’s far too loudly. My room was next to his but when the neighbours across a busy main road complained I felt okay about being annoyed myself.

Coming back on track with that quote “What one man can do, so can another.”  When I feel happy I know that this feeling is available to all. This is despite the obvious fact that sometimes life just sucks. I dislike the saying ‘suck it up’. It somehow immediately creates an annoyance feeling in me. It sounds harsh and abrupt.

It might be okay to suck up a sore toe, a head cold or some minor complaint. Often when we complain it is because we need emotional support. We are in trouble of a different nature and do not want to hear the words “suck it up” because we cannot do this with our feelings. I think maybe people do try to do this, and this is what creates resentment. But that is only my best guess.

I know people who suffer physical pain every day due to car accidents where they were clearly in the wrong place at the wrong time. People suffer through no fault of their own. We can see the pain an accident has caused. We offer our sympathy out freely. When we cannot see the pain that emotions cause we simply dismiss people’s complaints as not valid.

Terrible things happen. We cannot undo some things, we cannot always right wrongs and wrong things happen to all of us, whether we always see them or not, they happen. We all have burdens to bear. Emotional burdens that many people keep cannot be seen.

As spring has turned to summer another year is coming to it’s end, and I have this time to ponder, it had been a busy time since May when I moved to Hobart. I have completed my first semester at full-time University, but most important is this girl remains happy, most of the time, and I am grateful to be where I am and who I am.

 

Copyright © Mary Willetts 2012

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Good Advertising

Good Advertising

I have been thinking, that’s a random thing I do.

On this occasion I have been thinking about when I was working as an Auditor and the diverse range of people I got to meet.

The standard practice in Auditing is to check source documents like invoices against entries in an accounting system.

At the premises of one business I was ready to look through the filing system to find what I needed. The system looked straightforward enough, filing in alphabetical order of the expense categories so I went looking under ‘A’ for an advertising expense listed.

When I could not find the invoice for advertising I asked the owner/manager where it might be. He said “Oh, under ‘G'”. It seemed so obvious to him. I had to ask, “Why is it filed under ‘G’?”. His response was simply, “Good advertising”. I also learned that the telephone account was under ‘F’. I didn’t ask.

I would often be asked to go to people’s homes in rural areas. Locating people’s homes in rural areas was difficult at times. Often, I would need to telephone and ask for directions. One time, a woman told me that I could not miss her house as it was the one “where the old pine trees use to be”. The woman found it hard to believe that I did not know where “the pine trees used to be”. She said, “Everyone knows where the pine trees used to be”. Trying to be kind, I asked if the “stumps of the pine trees where still there”. She laughed and said “No”. Explaining that I had never been to the area at all and that it was impossible for me to know where something used to be proved to be the most difficult task of the entire Audit.

Another time I was told that the street I needed to turn down was at the “Telstra building intersection”. The Telstra building, when I found it, was the size of an old outdoor dunny and was painted grey with a Telstra sign about the size of an A4 piece of paper! Driving a car it was easily missed, especially at the speed I drive. Often there was no mobile coverage in the area so I could not telephone to inform them I was lost in the wilderness.

Fun days. I love people and their interaction.  How I ended up in Accounting is yet another one of life’s mysteries.

Copyright © Mary Willetts 2012

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