I make it painful or painless

I make it painful or painless

I am waiting to get a work contract confirmed. I have been waiting for almost one month now. This is my lesson in creating pain…or not.

Because I will have to move if I get this contract, because I want this contract, because I know I will love this job, because I need a job right now. These reasons make this important to me. What is important to me, but uncertain, has the potential to create great anxiety within me.

My challenge is not to give that attention. Further to not giving it attention is remaining detached from the outcome, effortlessly. Ha-ha this sounds so difficult to do.

To remain detached means not to become caught up in the situation. If I give it constant chitter chatter in my head, then I am caught up in it. If I do nothing else but sit by the phone or email waiting, I am also caught up in it, giving it great power to irritate me. I’m adding pain to my circumstances. I’m creating that, not the people on the other end of what is in essence a commercial transaction. I have no idea what they are doing that this should take so long. That is exactly the point. I cannot know why from their end it is taking so long. At best I can guess or surmise that they are perhaps hopeless or any number of scenarios of my choosing. But I cannot know with certainty what circumstance they may be facing that blocks a result, at this moment.

Why is it that we tend to think all things should happen in our timeframe? If I am not in charge then how can I set the timeframe? I am setting myself up here when I do that. Thus I am creating it. If I were not creating it I would not be giving it any thought at all. I will be told when I am told; the time is not relevant to the event. It will happen.

However what I, and I suspect other people, do is go….but, but, but you told me I would know by this date. It has now gone past that date and this or that has not happened. Therefore you have not kept to your word therefore this is your entire fault that I am upset, distressed, irrational and yelling at you. Well really? Really I am going to allow anything or anyone to get me to the point of yelling. Yet it happens, we crave certainty, and when we don’t get it we crave a release valve. We can give ourselves that release value, right now and we do. Often it is yelling and it is always blaming. Sometimes it is adding another layer in the resentment walls we harbour within. That place of turmoil bubbling inside, the mighty volcano of resentment.

It is interesting to me, to note that the constant chitter chatter can be in the thought ‘don’t think about it’ that then becomes the task and therefore I am attached to it. This just makes me laugh.

The place within me that is peaceful does not think about anything so when I immediately think about the need to know about this job I am attaching myself to that outcome. Letting it go is difficult, in practice.

The best I can do right now is when the thought starts I say to myself it has been one hour, two hours I can check my emails again now. I choose to do that and I do. When there are no emails I re-focus on whatever real and necessary task I might be doing today, like writing this story and I start to do that, again. At worst it makes for more breaks in the tasks that I have to do and at best I mostly remain calm throughout the day.

For a long time I have done the list, if only in my head, what is the worst that can happen? What is the best that can happen? Can I live with the worst outcome? In this case that would be not getting this job. Well I expect I will still continue to breath if that happens, it is not the only job on earth at the moment so there is as likely a chance of me getting another job as there is in getting this job, Blah blah and then I let the chitter chatter stop.

For me to treat this as yet another lesson in life and living I allow lightness to enter my world. I have many things I can and will do today. I will use my time to the best of my ability today to do something that creates value, not pain.

Copyright © Mary Willetts 2016

 

 

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