Scary long legs

Scary long legs

My three days of silly fear, I wake at 1a.m. to visit the bathroom, while there I see an enormous spider on the wall. Going back to bed and pulling the covers tightly over me I ponder what to do about that spider in the bathroom.

So my thoughts start…I could kill it…I could hope it goes away…. I could get it out with a broom, get it on the broom and then toss the whole broom out the window. I could move house and so it went from the mildly sane to the totally insane thoughts.

I was building anxiety (fear) about the huge spider with those long hairy legs when suddenly the thought came to me that it was not a lion or a snake, it was only a spider after all. Big as it was, it was not going to chase me around the room. The spider was not causing my fear, I was.

The spider was just as scared of me, it just had more legs to hike it and it could not and would not actually attack me, the worst it could do was get on me. I had that happen before, I was driving a car that was fairly new and therefore had to hold my panic as the fear of smashing the car was greater than the fear of the spider.

I’m pretty sure I had taken the spider into the car on my coat. I had tossed the coat on the back seat and possibility disturbed the spider. As not long after I started driving all of a sudden this huge spider appeared on the steering wheel long legs going in all directions.

It did not matter where it came from yet it is interesting to note that I gave thought to where it came from, thinking about my coat.

One huge big leggy spider that looks so horrible to me was enough to think about. I had to stay focused on driving which was really difficult as once or twice it touched my hand. How I never drove off the road or caused an accident is still a mystery as I took my hands off the wheel and flicked them around at least once, hopefully one at a time but that memory is locked away.

I decided that day that I would think about what to do. Much like I am doing in the current state of fear. I asked of my mind “Who was living somewhere close by?” I then drove to their place and jumped out of the car leaving the door open and doing a big shake down of my whole body.

I went running up their driveway by now overcome with fear, trembling all over and asking them to get the spider out of the car for me, please. They tried but of course the spider knew the search was on for him or her and had many places to hide. So ultimately I had to get back in the car and drive again. Then, as happens, the spider re-appears on the dashboard. I realised that it had touched me before and if it touches me again I will not die. So I know this to be a fact, based on previous experience.

With the present danger of the current spider situation reducing in my mind I go back to sleep after the 1a.m. wake up call. When I woke at 5am the spider was back in my mind. As I approached the bathroom, on a reconnaissance exercise, I see the spider is still there and has moved to another space on the wall. I confirm to my mind that it is indeed an enormous spider, perhaps the biggest I have ever seen. ‘Oh dear’ I mutter.

With that I decide the best plan is to go back to bed and pull the covers tightly around me, again. I make a huge effort to stay calm and go back to sleep. I usually wake at about 5a.m, it is still dark and instead of going back to sleep as was my first plan I decide that the broom method is my choice of action to deal with the spider, when the sun comes up.

As the sun comes up I go on another reconnaissance journey and the spider is no longer visible. ‘Oh dear’ as my thoughts had decided to use the broom and get the spider out of the house I was faced with this new dilemma. I know the spider has not jumped out the window, because the window is closed (ha-ha) therefore this spider is going to present again to me somewhere else. Because I know that it is only hiding.

I shake everything carefully not just in the bathroom but also all over the house. I’m driving myself nuts as I find myself living on high alert. I know this is not good for me. Waiting for the danger, at any moment I feel I am prepared to jump to the ceiling. All of a sudden I am looking at the light switches before I touch them, looking on the chair before I sit down, looking at all the walls, everywhere. Every towel is treated with extreme caution, the soap is check and so it goes.

I can now choice to live in the fear or not.

My thought is that I will just get on with my day with a raised awareness that I may see more legs than mine today. This spider may or may not appear again, the worst that can happen is I will get a fright but as I know it is not a lion, I should survive.

The next morning I see the spider at 5a.m it is sitting on my toothbrush ‘Oh No’.

As it perches so still on my toothbrush, trying to look invisible I see it very clearly and wondering how I will ever get rid of this image from my mind.

The spider situation I face reminded me of a story a friend shared with me when I shared my spider in the car story. Her story was far more terrifying than mine and now I really wish she had not shared that with me because it has added to the sheer silliness of the fear I have created over a spider.

I’m going to share the story; she woke up with one of these huge hairy long leg spiders on her face. The spider had one leg in her nose and one in her ear. Her story is making it more difficult for me. I know this spider is in the house, for all I know there could be any number of them; I really don’t look that hard to see if it is the same spider I see each day.

Fear is such a hideous thing it can turn a spider into a lion in our thoughts. These out of control thoughts can imagine all sorts of crazy things. I have had my share of embarrassing moments in life and I am not going to share those stories. Nor am I going to allow those embarrassing moments to control my life. Just like the spider that on day three appears to have moved on, so to should all our embarrassing moments. They only become fears if we allow them to. I laugh that I allowed a spider to appear as a threat in my home and spent two days on the edge of anxiety. I smile that I have my peaceful self back knowing that should the spider re-appear, and it probably will, that’s ok I can cope.

Copyright © Mary Willetts 2016

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