Claim our ability to improve our life
I am driven to write, to document my progress in the state of consciousness. I hope it brings value to others on the same path. It is almost like having a child and then wondering how things will be with this new life and light in your life. There is no turning back.
Finding the balance in my writing by using examples may prove helpful. I consider that it may also prove to be critical. This is a judgment call, without judgment of any people who may see themselves in my examples. I see myself in both sides of all the examples; I have been exactly where I see others are now standing, in that line of humanity that connects each of us. We are here to help each other.
I know I am in a new stage of living consciously; the recent recognition of awareness means I have gained something new and reached that point of no turning back. The birth of a new life, I can’t hand it back to anyone. It won’t go away, it only grows stronger within me.
This is new to me. I now know I have always used the conscious state of being, I was just not fully aware of it, or I had no recognition of the true value this gave me. For most of my life, but not all of my life, I have lived very intuitively, I just trusted something but I could never explain what that was. I always had space in my thinking and I always liked the silence in my mind. As I read and discover what others are discovering right now I see I have been conscious most of the time. I was born with it, just like every other person. I have always known we each have this.
I did not know the terms, they are but words anyway, I just liked where I was. I have “mostly” felt happy within myself. Since childhood all I ever wanted was to be happy and develop that within me that was available to me. I did not know why but self-development has always been the subject of my choice in reading matter.
Not much else really interested me. However I have never felt “spiritual” and generally dislike that word and other words which imply being spiritual. I don’t meditation or do yoga. I have always just allowed myself to be.
Growing up I thought everyone felt the same and did the same. I never felt I had anything special, if I did this then I assumed everyone else did the same.
Why should I make anything harder than it is? I found it difficult having too many thoughts rushing through my head, we often avoid what is difficult, and so I did.
Some people seemed a tad angst to me so I decided I’d stay within my peaceful place. I perceived my childhood as perfect, I was loved, and I had no pressure put on me to do anything. I was largely left to discover the world in my own time and space, albeit I was over protected at the same time. I have three brothers, I was the third child, they each appear to have grown up with a different perceptive and take on our parents. I find that interesting but take it no further. It is what it is.
I my 60 years I have had some years of being completely unhappy, thus, I guess, I left the conscious state in those times but also I know I held on to something within me by a thread. I have had anxiety attacks and became fixated on thoughts once or twice, I am laughing now, in stretches lasting from 1 to 2 years at a time.
As these things happened to me I understood within me that everything was necessary. I have gained the understanding of what being anxious means and what depression means. I have walked in those shoes. Those cement shoes that are so heavy to lift and drag.
The current shift in human awareness for me is wonderful as I feel this immediate bond with humanity. I recognise it. Before this time I was comfortable with bits here and bits there but nothing that pulled it altogether for me like the present time is doing. I am not doing this; some sort of universal energy seems to be doing this. That’s all I know. I feel a great relief.
Many people are still at the stage door for sessions in shouting scenes or defensive or highly critical scenes. They are stuck – doing rehearsals permanently and repeatedly. People are stuck and this presents obstacles to the expansion of awareness.
It is the critical scenes I ponder, that is where I am on “replay”. I can back away from the shouting and defensive role play scenes, that seems easy enough to do, just take a gentle step back, as I head for the closest exit.
The critical people present my biggest challenge. I think this is due to me still sliding back into conditioned habits, addictions. Or triggers, hooks that link into past experiences. I think I can change their outlook so…..I give that a go. I have failed recent tests, Bob I am sorry I became critical with you. I did notice your eyes rolling back as you walked away. I can only laugh now but at the time it took me a few days to recover as my own conditioned chitter-chatter returned at top speed. Finally I could let that go.
I only have to start feeling very slightly anxious or frustrated and I turn to food. I crave extra food that I would not normally crave and I notice how highly linked this pattern is to internal turmoil. I can stop and correct the anxiety and the eating. I can do this quickly enough due to my increase in awareness of what is happening. Two days of over eating is better than 2 years. I laugh now as I notice. I find it very amusing. I am taking less and less time to let it go. I shrug knowing it will be soon enough that I will be sent another lesson.
Generally as I find my awareness increasing I am lacking the interest in judging people. This is great news for me, as it appears the whole conditioned behaviour of judging is just falling away from me. If only some more kilos would do the same! Well they do actually and then they come back in exactly the same way as I stop being judgmental and critical and then it starts up again.
The ability within me that allows and creates such change and lessons in itself brings enormous content within me, at a peaceful level.
I was a smoker for thirty years and tried various times to stop. When I finally did conquer that habit it was an enormous relief and this non-judgmental state appears to be much the same, I’m so grateful not to be doing this anymore. It works with my weight as well. I feel lighter when I have fewer kilos to carry around, which is logical, so I am grateful to has lost that weight, literally.
Just like stopping the smoking it took a few attempts before it became my reality. Therefore I am kind to myself in understanding that to change such an embedded habit as being judgmental and critical will also take a little while, I will slip back into thinking something like ‘ I just need one more cigarette’. When I am critical I might think ‘I can’t help it that person drove me to that point’ which is really ‘ I just need one more cigarette’. The cigarette has not driven me to smoke it; I have chosen to do that, as an addiction. One more lesson.
It takes more energy to judge than I choose to spend on such a wasteful activity. It is wasteful because there is nothing I can do about where anyone else is and so the judging is a form of worry. I gave up worrying as a teenager, I thought, when I observed my Mother bringing ill health to herself through the exercise of worrying. I remember then thinking ‘this is something I am never going to do’.
However I had never seen the judgment activity as worrying until now.
Now I have made that connection in my thinking it has been easier to give it up. I laugh now to think I did do that worrying and yet I thought I was so far above that; as a teenager. How naïve and laughable is that.
I feel inspired. I have so much more time and energy I can devote to all the many interests I have, one being to be of service to people in some way, perhaps by documenting the stage I am at, the obstacles I find, the acceptance of being a dot on the line of humanity. It may help someone, somewhere. I expect to be at this stage for quiet some time. I feel compelled to document this; something deep inside me knows my path. I trust that completely.
In my 60th year I sense I am piecing together everything I have learnt so far. I cannot say do this or that, read this or that and you will become conscious. It would be wrong to do so. I have had thousands of ‘Aha’ moments from thousands of sources and still getting those moments. It is exactly the same as not being able to make anyone happy. I can’t make you happy…you can. This is being empowered. I claimed my own ability to improve my life.
Copyright © Mary Willetts 2016