In July 2012 I returned to University to prove to myself that I had the commitment it takes to stay with a plan, among other things.
It was meant to take just 18 months. I ran over time, so like me.
The plan was to study full time. It was a gift to myself to take 2 years off work. Head down, do the study, get a piece of paper and watch for the other results this might bring to my life.
Was I trying to show the world that I was clever? There were many drivers behind the plan. I always knew I was clever, now I understand I am clever in my unique way. Each of us have our unique ways to manoeuvre a path through our lives of learning and gaining knowledge.
You cannot frame clever, it is not a piece of paper. It is not a high IQ, it is not what someone else thinks of you. Clever is what you think of you.
Clever is looking at your fears and looking at who you are. There is nothing to add or subtract. It is what it is.
So I ran over time, it took me twice as long, and a bit. I have all the reasons succinctly written down, I’ve learnt how to do that. Does it matter?
I am a thinker and I ponder on things and I potter around, I am easily distracted, staying with anything can be, at times, extremely challenging for me and that does not matter. I am who I am and each of us have similarities and differences. What matters, to me, is generosity of the heart, kindness of the word and joy which abounds from within.
I got to the point where I knew and understood (having both those things inline can be problematic for me as well) that getting this degree was not going to change my life. I was aware that I was already creating my life, all my life I have been creating my life. That is what we do. Regardless of that I did choose to stay with my plan.
The degree was just a tick box. Yes I have this, tick. Now which is the next box I can tick? I sometimes feel like I am becoming a computer, a program is running my life. According to how many boxes I can tick and how quickly………..I win……..what? This is so not how I want to live my life. I need meaning and purpose and no degree can provide that to me. This meaning and purpose is something I already have in me, somewhere within, it is there, has always been there and will always be there. It requires no maintenance, no upkeep, no cost, no degree, no education at all in fact. I can tap into it whenever I want to, it does not close down, not even for Christmas. I don’t need a plan to achieve it, I don’t have to pay a monthly fee. It is the I am of me.
However, the knowledge the education provides, at a practical level, is great. Also I have learnt how to use my brain differently. To make better decisions, did I need to? That was part of the original plan and time will tell that result.
I have worked in between the study and got sent some harsh life lessons doing that. I enjoy the ordinary life I have. In doing all these things I have learnt much and gained valuable knowledge about me and about people in general. The human connection we share, as people, the commonality.
Therefore, as they say in the world of Maths, I have spent 3 years doing exactly as I wanted to do and loved every minute of it, i.e. my ordinary life will continue and I will make sure I love every minute of that as well. I think I have the i.e. and the therefore back to front, in the world of Math’s that is a big mistake. In my life there are no real mistakes, no failures because I am doing the very best I know how to do and that’s how it is for each and everyone of us.
Copyright © Mary Willetts 2015