When I get old

When I get old

When I get old I will understand that travel, new furniture, new clothes, new cars, big houses and the like are not at all important. Not that there is anything wrong with any of these things the thing is they are just things.

When I get old I will understand the priorities and places for things. Less is not necessarily best. Knowing what is needed and what is not needed. Knowing what desire and ego drive us to do. Being aware of why we have what we have. What we trade for what we gain.

When I get old I will understand that everywhere that I am holds the same joy, at all times. Be it work or on holidays it is all the same space. How can it be anything else. We make it so. A day is a day no matter where I am, once I start to downgrade workdays I need to be asking why.

When I get old who I am inside, that space which is me, will be satisfied with stillness.

When I get old I will understand that disappointment in anything is a denial of what is and sabotages the quality of life.

When I get old I will understand that I can never be disappointed in my life because I made all those decisions that created my life. I accept this.

When I get old I will embrace my age with the same joy as I did in my youth because it is only skin that contains me, the essence of me changes only with the joy I hold within me.

When I get old I will be the same as I am now, yet different. Nothing stands still yet stillness is all there is.

Yesterday I was the same as I am now, yet different. Tomorrow I will be the same as I am now, yet different. All time is the present moment in which I breathe, live and be. In the same way as all time is present all is part of me.

When I get old I will understand that all security is contain within each of us. We all have the same. How we choose to accept that is the only difference between each of us.

When I get old I will become the observer of others and I will not be judging myself or anyone else. I will simply be.

When I get old perhaps I will wonder why I did not work it out in my youth or middle age or anytime before now. Then with the wisdom obtained at any age I will be grateful I worked it out now.

Copyright © Mary Willetts 2016

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Living in the now is being still

Living in the now is being still

“All things happen for a reason” – I see this as an accepting statement.

If we accept and understand all things happen for a reason then there should be no stress.

It seems to me logically that if all things happen for a reason then we must be exactly where we are meant to be.

If we are exactly where we are meant to be, what’s the problem?

How can we be selective? The good and the not so good all have purpose. That we know the purpose may not be that important. That we accept “all things” may be the only lesson.

This week at work, yes I am working the 9to5, again, I was telling Joseph about something that happened 12 years ago and how I found it very upsetting, at the time.

The response I got from Joseph was “You can’t live in the past”.

I was somewhat taken back and at the same time wanted to laugh as I tried to imagine that. Here right now I am standing in front of Joseph – so how can I possibly be living in the past?

The more I considered the whole idea of living in the past the more I wanted to laugh and laugh and laugh. So I had to walk away after a brief response to Joseph, which was that it was a trigger to my past that was all it was.

Something in the now can create a trigger to a memory. My concept of being in the now is simply to allow what is happening now to happen now. Don’t be attaching random thoughts to any moment in time – just allow a moment to stop thinking and observe the now. Be aware of the present moment for what it is.

Moments don’t eliminate other moments. I take notice of now, be in peace now. Do what I am doing now and when I have nothing to do, do nothing, be still, it is a nice place to be, it does not cost anything to get there! It’s free.

As a growth in awareness happens I see the now for what it is yet past triggers will attempt and do win still in dragging me back into past responses and therefore behaviour. Those past memories exist and I acknowledge them in the now. If they make me uncomfortable I note that. If they produce anxiety now than that is what they do.

The rest is up to me “now” to recognise and consider. In considering I ask, is this the same threat as the past one, do I need to protect or nurture myself? This is just a basis survival instinct and we should all observe the times when we need to look after ourselves to survive.

Remembering that trying to rid ourselves of our pasts includes all the memories we have and hold and many are treasured memories. I don’t want to wipe out my past, most of it I really liked. For the moments in the past that I did not like I still remember them and further to that those moments have shaped this moment so I am not scared of them.

If I get a reaction from them and I do, that is something that has happened for a reason. It is all linked and if we just allow that, be with it, be it, without the belief of this concept that “living in the past” is something to be avoided at all cost. I say it is impossible anyway – it is a cliché gone wrong.

Do we want to forget the moment our children were born, bringing them home, patting those tidy little babies as they nod off to sleep, do we really want to stop the memories. Memories are but moments in the past, we cannot possibly go back there; our babies grow as we do. We are who we are today because of our past.

I do understand that the phrase “don’t live in the past” was created to help people understand that they had to let go of things. But is has perhaps evolved as a catch all for everything – yesterday was the past so we have to forget that. Perhaps we behaved badly yesterday and as it is in the past all is forgotten. That we may continue to behave badly today means to some, it’s ok because tomorrow it will be in the past and I must forget the past. That nothing is learned from the past is becoming extremely sad to me. It is indeed like cutting down all the trees without any awareness that the past has shown this is not the best way forward.

The moment that triggered my memory and reaction to that, which I shared with Joseph, helped me enormously a few days later. Millie, a friend, encouraged me to apply for another job; there was a last minute opportunity to apply. I did and found it easy if not enjoyable as I was able to use the example that my trigger opened my memory onto. If I had not had that recent trigger I would not have used that example and that example proved to be the best. Once I had written it into the job application I sat back and said ‘Thanks.’ I said thanks to myself, because I live in the now.

My past is my book, about my life and a trigger opens a page to be observed again for a moment and that moment is in the now as it happens.

I can’t jump into the book, I can’t re-write or edit. I can however look at it, read it, understand it or not. Make decisions and be aware of how it still may affect me, all that happens in the now. Not in the past it is now. It cannot be anything else.

This leads me into the obvious next latest cliché made popular by Eckhart Tolle in the famous book he wrote “The Power of Now”. My daughter gave me the book as a gift many years ago. I loved it then and I love it now as well. Further to loving the book I really do like Eckhart Tolle and where the fame has taken him. It has taken him nowhere. He is still the man who one day woke up and realized that he was creating his own suffering.

The joy that shines from Echhart Tolle now is solid and true. It is visible without any effort on his part. Not manufactured, learnt or practiced.

Clearly this is a man not affected by fame in the usual way. Looking at some of his U-tube chats showcases to me the joy the man has which comes from within him and his complete acceptance and understanding of that fact.

However, as people do, there has been nothing short of bandwagon’s of people preaching about living in the now who clearly have no idea what that really means, as much as I am certain they want to understand.

It seems to me that it is quickly producing societies who believe that they can only do so much in a day and anything else – well it just does not get done. I need to tick so many boxes right now to get to now to be in the now. Nothing else matters but now. This is completely illogical.

I think there is much misinterpretation of “being in the now”. People seem to have stopped thinking about the future and certainly don’t want to “live in the past” – so they are stuck somewhere.

Where they are stuck is not proving very supportive for them either, they are doing the whole “now” thing, and at great speed with so much that can be done now busy busy times, keeping busy.

I am not observing a whole lot of peace around me. I see no depth, no contentment and no intent behind what is being done and what is being said.

It’s a rush to the next thing and it almost seems that it does not matter what the next thing is, as long as the next thing is a new thing and that is the new now which of course by default it is. As if a new now will somehow make everything better, which of course it can’t.

Living in the now is accepting what is, bubbling with joy from the inside, at ease with thoughts which are not meant to be held and worked over, letting all the thoughts that cause, create and feed pain into and around emotions and feelings pass us by. Living in the now is being still.

Copyright © Mary Willetts 2016

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I make it painful or painless

I make it painful or painless

I am waiting to get a work contract confirmed. I have been waiting for almost one month now. This is my lesson in creating pain…or not.

Because I will have to move if I get this contract, because I want this contract, because I know I will love this job, because I need a job right now. These reasons make this important to me. What is important to me, but uncertain, has the potential to create great anxiety within me.

My challenge is not to give that attention. Further to not giving it attention is remaining detached from the outcome, effortlessly. Ha-ha this sounds so difficult to do.

To remain detached means not to become caught up in the situation. If I give it constant chitter chatter in my head, then I am caught up in it. If I do nothing else but sit by the phone or email waiting, I am also caught up in it, giving it great power to irritate me. I’m adding pain to my circumstances. I’m creating that, not the people on the other end of what is in essence a commercial transaction. I have no idea what they are doing that this should take so long. That is exactly the point. I cannot know why from their end it is taking so long. At best I can guess or surmise that they are perhaps hopeless or any number of scenarios of my choosing. But I cannot know with certainty what circumstance they may be facing that blocks a result, at this moment.

Why is it that we tend to think all things should happen in our timeframe? If I am not in charge then how can I set the timeframe? I am setting myself up here when I do that. Thus I am creating it. If I were not creating it I would not be giving it any thought at all. I will be told when I am told; the time is not relevant to the event. It will happen.

However what I, and I suspect other people, do is go….but, but, but you told me I would know by this date. It has now gone past that date and this or that has not happened. Therefore you have not kept to your word therefore this is your entire fault that I am upset, distressed, irrational and yelling at you. Well really? Really I am going to allow anything or anyone to get me to the point of yelling. Yet it happens, we crave certainty, and when we don’t get it we crave a release valve. We can give ourselves that release value, right now and we do. Often it is yelling and it is always blaming. Sometimes it is adding another layer in the resentment walls we harbour within. That place of turmoil bubbling inside, the mighty volcano of resentment.

It is interesting to me, to note that the constant chitter chatter can be in the thought ‘don’t think about it’ that then becomes the task and therefore I am attached to it. This just makes me laugh.

The place within me that is peaceful does not think about anything so when I immediately think about the need to know about this job I am attaching myself to that outcome. Letting it go is difficult, in practice.

The best I can do right now is when the thought starts I say to myself it has been one hour, two hours I can check my emails again now. I choose to do that and I do. When there are no emails I re-focus on whatever real and necessary task I might be doing today, like writing this story and I start to do that, again. At worst it makes for more breaks in the tasks that I have to do and at best I mostly remain calm throughout the day.

For a long time I have done the list, if only in my head, what is the worst that can happen? What is the best that can happen? Can I live with the worst outcome? In this case that would be not getting this job. Well I expect I will still continue to breath if that happens, it is not the only job on earth at the moment so there is as likely a chance of me getting another job as there is in getting this job, Blah blah and then I let the chitter chatter stop.

For me to treat this as yet another lesson in life and living I allow lightness to enter my world. I have many things I can and will do today. I will use my time to the best of my ability today to do something that creates value, not pain.

Copyright © Mary Willetts 2016

 

 

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Scary long legs

Scary long legs

My three days of silly fear, I wake at 1a.m. to visit the bathroom, while there I see an enormous spider on the wall. Going back to bed and pulling the covers tightly over me I ponder what to do about that spider in the bathroom.

So my thoughts start…I could kill it…I could hope it goes away…. I could get it out with a broom, get it on the broom and then toss the whole broom out the window. I could move house and so it went from the mildly sane to the totally insane thoughts.

I was building anxiety (fear) about the huge spider with those long hairy legs when suddenly the thought came to me that it was not a lion or a snake, it was only a spider after all. Big as it was, it was not going to chase me around the room. The spider was not causing my fear, I was.

The spider was just as scared of me, it just had more legs to hike it and it could not and would not actually attack me, the worst it could do was get on me. I had that happen before, I was driving a car that was fairly new and therefore had to hold my panic as the fear of smashing the car was greater than the fear of the spider.

I’m pretty sure I had taken the spider into the car on my coat. I had tossed the coat on the back seat and possibility disturbed the spider. As not long after I started driving all of a sudden this huge spider appeared on the steering wheel long legs going in all directions.

It did not matter where it came from yet it is interesting to note that I gave thought to where it came from, thinking about my coat.

One huge big leggy spider that looks so horrible to me was enough to think about. I had to stay focused on driving which was really difficult as once or twice it touched my hand. How I never drove off the road or caused an accident is still a mystery as I took my hands off the wheel and flicked them around at least once, hopefully one at a time but that memory is locked away.

I decided that day that I would think about what to do. Much like I am doing in the current state of fear. I asked of my mind “Who was living somewhere close by?” I then drove to their place and jumped out of the car leaving the door open and doing a big shake down of my whole body.

I went running up their driveway by now overcome with fear, trembling all over and asking them to get the spider out of the car for me, please. They tried but of course the spider knew the search was on for him or her and had many places to hide. So ultimately I had to get back in the car and drive again. Then, as happens, the spider re-appears on the dashboard. I realised that it had touched me before and if it touches me again I will not die. So I know this to be a fact, based on previous experience.

With the present danger of the current spider situation reducing in my mind I go back to sleep after the 1a.m. wake up call. When I woke at 5am the spider was back in my mind. As I approached the bathroom, on a reconnaissance exercise, I see the spider is still there and has moved to another space on the wall. I confirm to my mind that it is indeed an enormous spider, perhaps the biggest I have ever seen. ‘Oh dear’ I mutter.

With that I decide the best plan is to go back to bed and pull the covers tightly around me, again. I make a huge effort to stay calm and go back to sleep. I usually wake at about 5a.m, it is still dark and instead of going back to sleep as was my first plan I decide that the broom method is my choice of action to deal with the spider, when the sun comes up.

As the sun comes up I go on another reconnaissance journey and the spider is no longer visible. ‘Oh dear’ as my thoughts had decided to use the broom and get the spider out of the house I was faced with this new dilemma. I know the spider has not jumped out the window, because the window is closed (ha-ha) therefore this spider is going to present again to me somewhere else. Because I know that it is only hiding.

I shake everything carefully not just in the bathroom but also all over the house. I’m driving myself nuts as I find myself living on high alert. I know this is not good for me. Waiting for the danger, at any moment I feel I am prepared to jump to the ceiling. All of a sudden I am looking at the light switches before I touch them, looking on the chair before I sit down, looking at all the walls, everywhere. Every towel is treated with extreme caution, the soap is check and so it goes.

I can now choice to live in the fear or not.

My thought is that I will just get on with my day with a raised awareness that I may see more legs than mine today. This spider may or may not appear again, the worst that can happen is I will get a fright but as I know it is not a lion, I should survive.

The next morning I see the spider at 5a.m it is sitting on my toothbrush ‘Oh No’.

As it perches so still on my toothbrush, trying to look invisible I see it very clearly and wondering how I will ever get rid of this image from my mind.

The spider situation I face reminded me of a story a friend shared with me when I shared my spider in the car story. Her story was far more terrifying than mine and now I really wish she had not shared that with me because it has added to the sheer silliness of the fear I have created over a spider.

I’m going to share the story; she woke up with one of these huge hairy long leg spiders on her face. The spider had one leg in her nose and one in her ear. Her story is making it more difficult for me. I know this spider is in the house, for all I know there could be any number of them; I really don’t look that hard to see if it is the same spider I see each day.

Fear is such a hideous thing it can turn a spider into a lion in our thoughts. These out of control thoughts can imagine all sorts of crazy things. I have had my share of embarrassing moments in life and I am not going to share those stories. Nor am I going to allow those embarrassing moments to control my life. Just like the spider that on day three appears to have moved on, so to should all our embarrassing moments. They only become fears if we allow them to. I laugh that I allowed a spider to appear as a threat in my home and spent two days on the edge of anxiety. I smile that I have my peaceful self back knowing that should the spider re-appear, and it probably will, that’s ok I can cope.

Copyright © Mary Willetts 2016

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Claim our ability to improve our life

Claim our ability to improve our life

I am driven to write, to document my progress in the state of consciousness. I hope it brings value to others on the same path. It is almost like having a child and then wondering how things will be with this new life and light in your life. There is no turning back.

Finding the balance in my writing by using examples may prove helpful. I consider that it may also prove to be critical. This is a judgment call, without judgment of any people who may see themselves in my examples. I see myself in both sides of all the examples; I have been exactly where I see others are now standing, in that line of humanity that connects each of us. We are here to help each other.

I know I am in a new stage of living consciously; the recent recognition of awareness means I have gained something new and reached that point of no turning back. The birth of a new life, I can’t hand it back to anyone. It won’t go away, it only grows stronger within me.

This is new to me. I now know I have always used the conscious state of being, I was just not fully aware of it, or I had no recognition of the true value this gave me. For most of my life, but not all of my life, I have lived very intuitively, I just trusted something but I could never explain what that was. I always had space in my thinking and I always liked the silence in my mind. As I read and discover what others are discovering right now I see I have been conscious most of the time. I was born with it, just like every other person. I have always known we each have this.

I did not know the terms, they are but words anyway, I just liked where I was. I have “mostly” felt happy within myself. Since childhood all I ever wanted was to be happy and develop that within me that was available to me. I did not know why but self-development has always been the subject of my choice in reading matter.

Not much else really interested me. However I have never felt “spiritual” and generally dislike that word and other words which imply being spiritual. I don’t meditation or do yoga. I have always just allowed myself to be.

Growing up I thought everyone felt the same and did the same. I never felt I had anything special, if I did this then I assumed everyone else did the same.

Why should I make anything harder than it is? I found it difficult having too many thoughts rushing through my head, we often avoid what is difficult, and so I did.

Some people seemed a tad angst to me so I decided I’d stay within my peaceful place. I perceived my childhood as perfect, I was loved, and I had no pressure put on me to do anything. I was largely left to discover the world in my own time and space, albeit I was over protected at the same time. I have three brothers, I was the third child, they each appear to have grown up with a different perceptive and take on our parents. I find that interesting but take it no further. It is what it is.

I my 60 years I have had some years of being completely unhappy, thus, I guess, I left the conscious state in those times but also I know I held on to something within me by a thread. I have had anxiety attacks and became fixated on thoughts once or twice, I am laughing now, in stretches lasting from 1 to 2 years at a time.

As these things happened to me I understood within me that everything was necessary. I have gained the understanding of what being anxious means and what depression means. I have walked in those shoes. Those cement shoes that are so heavy to lift and drag.

The current shift in human awareness for me is wonderful as I feel this immediate bond with humanity. I recognise it. Before this time I was comfortable with bits here and bits there but nothing that pulled it altogether for me like the present time is doing. I am not doing this; some sort of universal energy seems to be doing this. That’s all I know. I feel a great relief.

Many people are still at the stage door for sessions in shouting scenes or defensive or highly critical scenes. They are stuck – doing rehearsals permanently and repeatedly. People are stuck and this presents obstacles to the expansion of awareness.

It is the critical scenes I ponder, that is where I am on “replay”. I can back away from the shouting and defensive role play scenes, that seems easy enough to do, just take a gentle step back, as I head for the closest exit.

The critical people present my biggest challenge. I think this is due to me still sliding back into conditioned habits, addictions. Or triggers, hooks that link into past experiences. I think I can change their outlook so…..I give that a go. I have failed recent tests, Bob I am sorry I became critical with you. I did notice your eyes rolling back as you walked away. I can only laugh now but at the time it took me a few days to recover as my own conditioned chitter-chatter returned at top speed. Finally I could let that go.

I only have to start feeling very slightly anxious or frustrated and I turn to food. I crave extra food that I would not normally crave and I notice how highly linked this pattern is to internal turmoil. I can stop and correct the anxiety and the eating. I can do this quickly enough due to my increase in awareness of what is happening. Two days of over eating is better than 2 years. I laugh now as I notice. I find it very amusing. I am taking less and less time to let it go. I shrug knowing it will be soon enough that I will be sent another lesson.

Generally as I find my awareness increasing I am lacking the interest in judging people. This is great news for me, as it appears the whole conditioned behaviour of judging is just falling away from me. If only some more kilos would do the same! Well they do actually and then they come back in exactly the same way as I stop being judgmental and critical and then it starts up again.

The ability within me that allows and creates such change and lessons in itself brings enormous content within me, at a peaceful level.

I was a smoker for thirty years and tried various times to stop. When I finally did conquer that habit it was an enormous relief and this non-judgmental state appears to be much the same, I’m so grateful not to be doing this anymore. It works with my weight as well. I feel lighter when I have fewer kilos to carry around, which is logical, so I am grateful to has lost that weight, literally.

Just like stopping the smoking it took a few attempts before it became my reality. Therefore I am kind to myself in understanding that to change such an embedded habit as being judgmental and critical will also take a little while, I will slip back into thinking something like ‘ I just need one more cigarette’. When I am critical I might think ‘I can’t help it that person drove me to that point’ which is really ‘ I just need one more cigarette’. The cigarette has not driven me to smoke it; I have chosen to do that, as an addiction. One more lesson.

It takes more energy to judge than I choose to spend on such a wasteful activity. It is wasteful because there is nothing I can do about where anyone else is and so the judging is a form of worry. I gave up worrying as a teenager, I thought, when I observed my Mother bringing ill health to herself through the exercise of worrying. I remember then thinking ‘this is something I am never going to do’.

However I had never seen the judgment activity as worrying until now.

Now I have made that connection in my thinking it has been easier to give it up. I laugh now to think I did do that worrying and yet I thought I was so far above that; as a teenager. How naïve and laughable is that.

I feel inspired. I have so much more time and energy I can devote to all the many interests I have, one being to be of service to people in some way, perhaps by documenting the stage I am at, the obstacles I find, the acceptance of being a dot on the line of humanity. It may help someone, somewhere. I expect to be at this stage for quiet some time. I feel compelled to document this; something deep inside me knows my path. I trust that completely.

In my 60th year I sense I am piecing together everything I have learnt so far. I cannot say do this or that, read this or that and you will become conscious. It would be wrong to do so. I have had thousands of ‘Aha’ moments from thousands of sources and still getting those moments. It is exactly the same as not being able to make anyone happy. I can’t make you happy…you can. This is being empowered. I claimed my own ability to improve my life.

Copyright © Mary Willetts 2016

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Unconditional Love

Unconditional Love

What is unconditional love in the 21st century? I think it might be seen differently to that of times gone by. My belief is that each of us must look within and re-learn to see everything from the view of being unconditionally loveable.

The trees, the sunrise, the many variations of nature all point towards this enormous variation of each and every unique thing on the planet, including the people that each of us are.

I think that what drives the desire to see all as unconditional, as in it is what it is, comes from that inner self or inner presence that each of us can tap into when we do an internal Google searching for meaning in our lives.

We are the source of being able to see things unconditional. I think unconditional love just flows from this, someone coined the phrase and we want to treat it different to other things, which we know are unconditional. Things like the weather, it’s raining or it’s not. Facts are facts and I try distinguishing a real fact from some made up concept.

The reality is that I cannot change anything but myself. So loving someone conditional is totally irrational to me. How can I make anyone behave as I want or wish them to and is this ever fair?

What puts me in the Queen’s shoes if am to say that this or that is better behaviour than this or that. All behaviour is how any society has been conformed or conditioned to behave. Across our world are enormous variations on “how to behave”. We never get the chance to be left alone to become who we are. Often someone is hounding us to do this, do that, learn this, learn that, play sport, get thin, get healthy, get rich, stop whining, or stop singing – it’s all a complete sham of conditioning from the day we are born.

Not to be negative, as I have no need to, I look around and I see that Yes I like some people more than others. I form a natural bond with some easier than others, some like me and some don’t like me and this is all good from the view that it is what it is. Nothing is good and nothing is bad. It is the way it is. Like the sun rises and we accept that. We each are who we are and we can only accept that. We cannot change that.

Understanding that I cannot make anyone happy….they have to source that from within themselves, it seems natural to me to love all people unconditionally. Why or how would I love them any other way?

By nature I am an ultra sensitive person, that is who I am, there is not a lot I can do about my natural reactions, they happen. With my new found awareness I know I can stop that part of me as it climbs to irrational thinking via being ultra sensitive. I feel the anger of others, I see it and I know it and I take it on board as my own or my fault or my lacking in some way. I see the judgments others make of me whether they voice it or not, I sense it; I feel it and I know it and it hurts. My thoughts are ‘who are they to judge me? why do they do this?’ In asking these last two questions I am now judging them, I have joined in not because it is natural but more because I have been conditioned to do this. I have been conditioned to react and respond without awareness. Some have been conditioned to repress their thoughts and feelings, they have dug a hole and buried their emotions. What I was never taught to do was to look at ‘my thoughts’ with the understanding that they belonged to me. Many years ago I gave up blaming people, all people, for the things that happen to me. I understood that I was responsible for my how I felt – at level 1.

I say at level 1 because what I did not understand was that there was a level 2. At level 2 I must now include in that the comprehension that when someone says something like “I feel you are looking over my shoulder” that is their thought and nothing to do with me. Vice Versa applies if I am thinking that someone is always looking over my shoulder, it does not mean that they are actually doing that, it is only my thinking that frames that thought. Is it really true is another question I have to look at and if it is – do I make that important. Do I fear it? This is where we can come undone.

When I was in Primary School I was extremely ultra sensitive and one day some girls were not too kind to me. I ran home crying and my Mother said “Oh those nasty little girls”. This was the message; it was all their fault for being nasty, I was never asked to look at and understand why I let them upset me so much. I know my Mother was not the only person viewing other people this way; she was conditioned to do so by her own background. For many years I blamed my Mother for everything, as seems common to do, with Mothers. Being I am a Mother myself I now get to stand in her shoes! Karma.

With my awareness of who I am I can now say STOP, to my thoughts, at a point where I see the bridge to the road of irrational and turn down another path.

Sometimes I still cross the bridge and when I realise I have crossed that bridge I will start to laugh as I know I am consistently failing. However with each failure there is an opportunity to repeat the lesson and pass. So I give myself that opportunity to wait for the next lesson and see how I go.

As I look around I see that each one of us are at different spots on the same line of humanity. We all move forwards and backwards with regular patterns, each unique like a leaf.

In the 21st century with all the information online and books available about “unconditional love” to read, absorb, observe are we any better off? Are we learning anything? Are we feeling that we are loved unconditionally? Each of us answers our own questions.

Perhaps more importantly is how we answer those questions to ourselves. We all react, we all judge, we all compare, we have so many common and uncommon elements how can we be conditional is more my question.

To me, it is natural to be unconditional. To be in a state of love, I suspect, is how we are born. I think we get trained by others to be conditional and albeit we all need some rules or it would be chaos, the one rule we do not need is to judge ourselves. It all starts within us.

Keeping myself in that natural unconditional state seems a bit of a juggling act to me. I am influenced by the code of conduct or rules of my nation, my city, my town, my neighbourhood, my friends and my family. I hear people being judged, including judgments of me and before I know it I am doing the same, I’ve joined the club that I didn’t want to belong to. I am now acting in the same way, as I dislike seeing others act.

As I say STOP in my own head, I wait for the day when I say it out loud to someone and then that sets the wheels in motion again and I look at the road across that bridge and I start to meander towards it, weary, discouraged and irrational. Eventually I turn around, face the 21st century, see myself as loveable and capable of passing that test, when it presents again, as it will.

 

Copyright © Mary Willetts 2016

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Opportunities and Inner Guidance

In my life I have turned to others for guidance through books, the printed word, for only by doing so have I been able to access the wisdom of people here before me. The great teachers of the ages and many others over their lifetimes, with their searches and experiences have asked the same questions that I do and found the answers.

Reading books that inspire, teach and show me what courage is, what truth really means, what struggles I have in common with others and how I can find what I am meant to do with my life, gives me hope.

A great quote will lift my spirits and mind towards some sort of meaningful existence. It shields me against the otherwise mundane routine I find myself living.

The activity of getting to know myself through others and their printed words has always been a settling thing to me. It can be my magic carpet ride out of my day to day structure and away to future plans where I can reach a goal that has some purpose, some meaning, some sense to it.

I trust in that within me, which I know to be the way I need to live my life. Some people think I’m strange, I accept I’m not the average person. I know I have choices on the way I live my life and I know I make choices. Something’s can be changed and something’s cannot be changed. Either way I make a choice. I know when I make a choice it’s not about gaining power it’s about gaining or retaining balance. Balance for me, that within me, the inner me, that peace, is completely necessary to me, as necessary as the air I breathe.

I have creative power yet I sometimes cannot speak to fully articulate my meaning. By nature I ponder. In writing I can ponder, it’s acceptable.

Finding reasons for anything makes no difference. The ‘why’ is not important. It is what it is and I only need to know that and nothing else. It saves my energy for the really important stuff.

All circumstances contain for me a lesson; I learn from everything – it’s just sometimes hard to figure which lesson. At times I feel like I am a private investigator, my client is me. “Investigating me”.

It is this sense of knowing that I have allowed all my life to guide me in the directions I have taken. I have often been told I am a very open person, recently a very old friend announced “There is nothing wrong with you Mary, you are just passionate.” Sadly this did not feel like a complement, I was not asking what was wrong with me.

I’m not shut down, I know that and sometimes I say exactly what I think, exactly how I see it or exactly how it is, good or bad, the facts are…

I was always aware of this sense of knowing that I had, but not completely aware of the power it held. It was just an innate trust that I trusted, I had always trusted and by sheer instinct I followed. Perhaps I was lazy, it was there why not.

Recently this awareness has grown and I am adjusting to the fact that it will not go away.

Almost four years ago I made a decision to return to University. The reasons I had are my reasons and I have no reason to justify my reasons. However to illustrate something I list my reasons or reasoning for making this choice:

1. My Darling daughter, then at age 29, told me that it was my fault she did not have a degree, so I thought hum ‘I’ll show you missy’. I did not take her comment personally, she is a cleaver girl and as such she does whatever she wants to do. As do most of us. That she never found it riveting to study more than she needed to, never surprised me. She learnt easily and in other ways. However I felt that at double her age I could show her by example that you can do anything, at any age, and the thing is…you only have to want to do it.

2. I’ve always wanted a Degree. Goodness only knows why, it’s not that big a deal.

3. I thought that maybe it would be a good way to spark up my brain. In my life, like a lot of other people, I’ve noticed, I have not always made the best decisions, even with the use of my sense of the inner me and knowing system.

4. Oh, I was completely over the whole nine-to-five work thing.

5. I wanted to go to University and be a full-time student, more than anything else, at that time.

The go to University decision came from the question “What do I want to do?” And the answer to that one question is number 5, as above. Shouldn’t it have been 1 and only 1?

The rest were just justifications, weight and extra reasons of no real value. They may have been pointers, however I feel I have been conditioned to supply further reasons; I had to have more value than simply this is what I want to do.

I know that I listened to that ‘inner me’ when I went with number 5, the only real answer to my question.

Like my daughter, I see that I do whatever I want to do as well.

“Ouch” when you start to own that trait. It sounds so darn selfish. But is it?

It is not selfish to want to achieve something. It is not selfish to do what we want to do – providing we are not harming ourselves or others. It is not selfish to take care of yourself, it is not selfish to recognise our own needs. I think there are still huge misunderstandings around what constitutes being selfish.

To achieve what I wanted a large portion of my selfishness was sacrificed. All that darn study took a lot of time. No social life, no reading books of my choice, no doing what I wanted to do at all really. It was always which assignment first, what next.

Anything worth having requires sacrifice, every parent can just think about having children. No further discussions required on that one.

The fact that I wanted to do something needed no add-on, no reason or justification. There were practical reasons that sat below those listed. Reasons like was it safe and legal. Those are more valid reasons for making the decision – I never thought of those until this very minute. It’s a given to me that I am not going to do something that I know to be a risk to my safety or harm to others, albeit I am a risk taker. I have no desire to break the law; jail has never been on my “to do” list.

Then the money question could I afford to pull off not working for a few years. Money means little to me and if I have it I have no problem spending it. So that one was sorted quickly.

Also the timing was a factor, it was perfect for me to get this degree, at this time. I knew this was my opportunity to get this degree off my “to do” list. I think it is often difficult to see our opportunities as they present. I like lists; the thing is, I feel compelled to fill them up. I like having something in all the boxes.

I had my answer and it was interlocked into my ‘knowing’ and this ‘inner me’, which is that unconditional surrender to what you really know you want and need to do, without any violation of the rights of others. I never want to cause any damage to humanity. Opportunities are sensed, I think.

I have read much about consciousness. I see consciousness as a quality within each of us that allows the inner me and our awareness of that inner me to flourish.

I have found nothing new, many people have discovered the same as I am discovering. I trusted this sense of knowing as the best answer to my question at that time. When I applied to University I was accepted. When things align easily I figure they are pointing the direction that is best for me.

In the past it was always where to find the time, the money and the energy, obstacles. I could no longer run for cover on this one opportunity.

I have my degree now and my inner me guided me not only to the decision but along the way this sense of knowing held me to this goal. Getting the degree at times gave me grief, staying with it took some will power yet at no time did I ever think I would give up or not get it. Somehow I always found the best solution to get me over another hurdle. Now with inner confidence I can say I was given an opportunity, I sensed it was one to take and I took it.

Copyright © Mary Willetts 2016

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What do I want?

That burning question.

I don’t want power – I want ability. The ability to change the world, just a little, while I’m here.

Copyright © Mary Willetts 2015

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Ants

Ants

As I stand in the garden a Bull Ant bites me on my foot, ‘ouch’. I ponder about their nest, which the gardener has disturbed. The ant’s race around looking for a new place to settle, a fresh start or at least an end to the war, which appears to have bombed their home. I wonder what they are thinking, or if they think.

As I watch the massive amount of Ant activity going on I am thinking that some will be confused, some will be focused and some will be waiting to see what has happened before becoming confused and focused. Some will get stuck, buried alive or trampled by the disturber.

Thinking that through I see there is not much difference in our communities of human activities. We all keep busy until a war breaks out either in the home or outside of it. We all race around trying to settle or to find a fresh start, when forced to. Some of us dig-in, so to speak, refuse to accept any disturbance is happening and some get stuck in the trenches.

Getting stuck in the trenches is of particular personal interest to me. As I watch one large Ant go round and round I wonder if what he is searching for can be found. I wonder if what he works for is satisfying and I wonder if he knows he’s exposed and vulnerable. I can see he is searching, I can see he works hard and I can see he is vulnerable.

Ants work together to support their communities – we humans have a lot to learn from that. Ant societies parallels with human societies in many ways and the way they work together I find inspiring. I continue to watch this flurry of activity, as my foot throbs from the bite, they seem amazing to me. I feel like I am looking down on another life and wonder if some higher being than myself is also looking down on my life, thinking in the same tone, that I am the Ant to them.

I am still working out what I am searching for. All the things we are told are important in our life, like family, have been slowly stripped out of my life. My parents have died. I’m divorced; I live a far distance from my two adult children. They are as independent as I am so we rarely see each other. The ritual of seeing each other is less important to me than talking to them and I do that. My siblings were also stripped out of my life when our parents died and money became the focus, not support for each other. I ponder that at least Ants don’t have to contend with money. In our human world it brings on a whole gambit of problems; and delights. If the Ants have no money problems I wonder what is their reward. Is the reward of living a life enough?

I wonder what do Ants do to bring meaning to their lives? It looks to me to be only hard work to their struggle for existence. I wonder if they love what they do and I wonder have they found what brings meaning and just how closely they see themselves as vulnerable in the trenches of their lives.

Ants thrive almost anywhere and most science facts I read puts that down to the social qualities and their ability to change – they are resilient and resourceful.

I have three words that I attached to myself years ago, mainly due to applying for jobs I was asked to consider my qualities so I decided, my choice, I was enthusiastic (because almost everyone told me that I was), resourceful because I was able to cope and learn; resilient because I was still here!

As I ponder where the Rid cream is to put on my still throbbing foot I also wonder where am I stuck and how vulnerable am I?

Copyright © Mary Willetts 2015

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Sharing

The single most important thing to me is sharing. That has taken me considerable time to work out !

When I get something I really get it, up to that point I need a base to understand things and with that base I build brick by brick until I get it. That’s just how it is for me and I like that about me because I know that once I know, I know.

I find not sharing odd, really I do. I know people who cannot even share a simple “Good Morning” a gesture that acknowledges the simple existence of another person. I have worked in an office where for four days I never uttered a single word.

I live alone so it occurred to me that I actually never uttered a word in four whole days. That was a record for me. I would not have believed that I could leave my home and go to work and not utter a word. This went on in drips and drabs a few days here and there until I was asked a work question one day at the office and I had to stop and think how to string a sentence together.

My time in this workplace had to be limited. I would become fixed like this, if I stayed, this I knew. Sadly, I stayed just a bit too long and saw myself changing, I resigned the same day. That in itself was a risk, I had no other job.

My awareness has increased over the last few years so when I say “I saw myself changing” – I mean that cringe moment when you start to behave like people you don’t want to imitate and somehow you are standing outside yourself and looking down at yourself and that other self is saying ‘Oh No’.

I know the work I do can be solitary work. I like to be given my work and left alone to do it. I don’t like zero communication, guessing and looking at people next to me who wear earphones as they sit and do their solitary work. My dislike of earphones has increased a hundred times. I have noticed as office morale deteriorates, the earphone usage increases. I still hold in my mind the picture of one girl’s look of frustration as I try to get her attention to ask a question. She pulled the plug out of one ear and gave me “the look”, she would not say a word. Shocked, I forgot the question. Is she at work or not? That becomes my new question…oh but that one I cannot ask.

For me communication is a given. In my family, we fought over who was going to talk next, we were loud and bold. We laughed and cried. The whole idea that we don’t need to communicate anything just completely flaws me. There is so much I cannot know and if nobody is willing to tell me – how does that work! Work itself must suffer, the quality compromised, what for? The sake of saving a few words.

If we never communicated to each other we would all still be sitting around in the open building fires and looking for food, in all the wrong places. Sure we can follow what others have done and that is fine, no problems there. Oh, what if the others found those poison berries and we eat them as well and then we saw the others, not well, oh dear, we have followed the wrong person!!! Damn! We all make mistakes and blindly following others can be a big mistake.

Being given the ability to think allows us the use of thinking, at least every now and then. Like walking, we need to do it to keep the ability. If we “think” we can get jobs anywhere anytime because we trust in our own abilities to work things out – enough to know we are not going to be eating those poison berries.

I’m learning to think with awareness. Now I have this new found awareness I can’t make it go away, sometimes I wish I could. I was happy in my Rose Coloured glasses.

Sharing is not just about dividing up your lunch, if necessary that is good, to me sharing encompasses all things. Sharing information, knowledge, skills, a laugh, a story, a “Good Morning” and “Enjoy your evening” anything that reaches out to someone and brings him or her into your life. Because…I think we need that connection to each other. Well, I do.

Copyright © Mary Willetts 2015

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