In my life I have turned to others for guidance through books, the printed word, for only by doing so have I been able to access the wisdom of people here before me. The great teachers of the ages and many others over their lifetimes, with their searches and experiences have asked the same questions that I do and found the answers.
Reading books that inspire, teach and show me what courage is, what truth really means, what struggles I have in common with others and how I can find what I am meant to do with my life, gives me hope.
A great quote will lift my spirits and mind towards some sort of meaningful existence. It shields me against the otherwise mundane routine I find myself living.
The activity of getting to know myself through others and their printed words has always been a settling thing to me. It can be my magic carpet ride out of my day to day structure and away to future plans where I can reach a goal that has some purpose, some meaning, some sense to it.
I trust in that within me, which I know to be the way I need to live my life. Some people think I’m strange, I accept I’m not the average person. I know I have choices on the way I live my life and I know I make choices. Something’s can be changed and something’s cannot be changed. Either way I make a choice. I know when I make a choice it’s not about gaining power it’s about gaining or retaining balance. Balance for me, that within me, the inner me, that peace, is completely necessary to me, as necessary as the air I breathe.
I have creative power yet I sometimes cannot speak to fully articulate my meaning. By nature I ponder. In writing I can ponder, it’s acceptable.
Finding reasons for anything makes no difference. The ‘why’ is not important. It is what it is and I only need to know that and nothing else. It saves my energy for the really important stuff.
All circumstances contain for me a lesson; I learn from everything – it’s just sometimes hard to figure which lesson. At times I feel like I am a private investigator, my client is me. “Investigating me”.
It is this sense of knowing that I have allowed all my life to guide me in the directions I have taken. I have often been told I am a very open person, recently a very old friend announced “There is nothing wrong with you Mary, you are just passionate.” Sadly this did not feel like a complement, I was not asking what was wrong with me.
I’m not shut down, I know that and sometimes I say exactly what I think, exactly how I see it or exactly how it is, good or bad, the facts are…
I was always aware of this sense of knowing that I had, but not completely aware of the power it held. It was just an innate trust that I trusted, I had always trusted and by sheer instinct I followed. Perhaps I was lazy, it was there why not.
Recently this awareness has grown and I am adjusting to the fact that it will not go away.
Almost four years ago I made a decision to return to University. The reasons I had are my reasons and I have no reason to justify my reasons. However to illustrate something I list my reasons or reasoning for making this choice:
1. My Darling daughter, then at age 29, told me that it was my fault she did not have a degree, so I thought hum ‘I’ll show you missy’. I did not take her comment personally, she is a cleaver girl and as such she does whatever she wants to do. As do most of us. That she never found it riveting to study more than she needed to, never surprised me. She learnt easily and in other ways. However I felt that at double her age I could show her by example that you can do anything, at any age, and the thing is…you only have to want to do it.
2. I’ve always wanted a Degree. Goodness only knows why, it’s not that big a deal.
3. I thought that maybe it would be a good way to spark up my brain. In my life, like a lot of other people, I’ve noticed, I have not always made the best decisions, even with the use of my sense of the inner me and knowing system.
4. Oh, I was completely over the whole nine-to-five work thing.
5. I wanted to go to University and be a full-time student, more than anything else, at that time.
The go to University decision came from the question “What do I want to do?” And the answer to that one question is number 5, as above. Shouldn’t it have been 1 and only 1?
The rest were just justifications, weight and extra reasons of no real value. They may have been pointers, however I feel I have been conditioned to supply further reasons; I had to have more value than simply this is what I want to do.
I know that I listened to that ‘inner me’ when I went with number 5, the only real answer to my question.
Like my daughter, I see that I do whatever I want to do as well.
“Ouch” when you start to own that trait. It sounds so darn selfish. But is it?
It is not selfish to want to achieve something. It is not selfish to do what we want to do – providing we are not harming ourselves or others. It is not selfish to take care of yourself, it is not selfish to recognise our own needs. I think there are still huge misunderstandings around what constitutes being selfish.
To achieve what I wanted a large portion of my selfishness was sacrificed. All that darn study took a lot of time. No social life, no reading books of my choice, no doing what I wanted to do at all really. It was always which assignment first, what next.
Anything worth having requires sacrifice, every parent can just think about having children. No further discussions required on that one.
The fact that I wanted to do something needed no add-on, no reason or justification. There were practical reasons that sat below those listed. Reasons like was it safe and legal. Those are more valid reasons for making the decision – I never thought of those until this very minute. It’s a given to me that I am not going to do something that I know to be a risk to my safety or harm to others, albeit I am a risk taker. I have no desire to break the law; jail has never been on my “to do” list.
Then the money question could I afford to pull off not working for a few years. Money means little to me and if I have it I have no problem spending it. So that one was sorted quickly.
Also the timing was a factor, it was perfect for me to get this degree, at this time. I knew this was my opportunity to get this degree off my “to do” list. I think it is often difficult to see our opportunities as they present. I like lists; the thing is, I feel compelled to fill them up. I like having something in all the boxes.
I had my answer and it was interlocked into my ‘knowing’ and this ‘inner me’, which is that unconditional surrender to what you really know you want and need to do, without any violation of the rights of others. I never want to cause any damage to humanity. Opportunities are sensed, I think.
I have read much about consciousness. I see consciousness as a quality within each of us that allows the inner me and our awareness of that inner me to flourish.
I have found nothing new, many people have discovered the same as I am discovering. I trusted this sense of knowing as the best answer to my question at that time. When I applied to University I was accepted. When things align easily I figure they are pointing the direction that is best for me.
In the past it was always where to find the time, the money and the energy, obstacles. I could no longer run for cover on this one opportunity.
I have my degree now and my inner me guided me not only to the decision but along the way this sense of knowing held me to this goal. Getting the degree at times gave me grief, staying with it took some will power yet at no time did I ever think I would give up or not get it. Somehow I always found the best solution to get me over another hurdle. Now with inner confidence I can say I was given an opportunity, I sensed it was one to take and I took it.
Copyright © Mary Willetts 2016